The Treasure Hunt
"Hey Abby, come and help me!" yelled Stephanie.
"With what?" questioned Abby.
"I found this treasure map laying on the road. I want you to help me find the treasure," said Stephanie.
"But don't you think somebody has found it already?" inquired Abby.
"We'll find that out." replied Stephanie.
7 HOURS LATER
"My feet are killing me!" hollered Abby.
"Oh look, we're here! According to the map, I think the treasure is behind this door." exclaimed Stephanie.
The door opened and there it was, the treasure box. Stephanie and Abby ran towards the box, and when they opened it, they found... a piece of old moldy cheese.
copy cater. Great story any way! I like how you made sure every time someone speaks there is a new line.
ReplyDeleteI didn`t copy cat. I wrote my story first then I checked other peoples stories. When I read your story I was shocked that we both had the same idea.
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ReplyDeleteI like the plot twist at the end. Your story is very well written, although I think you could add more descriptive language to make your story better. Also remember closing quotations, which you forget sometimes.
ReplyDeleteBe sure to use the feedback given by your peers to make your writing stronger. I like how you use a variety of words instead of said all the time. The ending was a great surprise for both the characters in your story and for the reader.
ReplyDeleteHello Rainbow Sunshine,
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought you had received comments from a Team 100WC member but, checking the comments, I see they were from classmates. One thought you might have copied their story but you explained how your story came to be. We often have similar ideas to others. Would you be interested to know I read another story similar to your story for this prompt? I don’t think you would have copied the idea from them as that student is in a school in Phuket, Thailand. Good ideas come to everyone but the skill is sharing the idea in your own way and I think you have achieved this. Well done.
What first impressed me was how well you have used speech in your story including the care you have taken in its punctuation. My only suggestion might be for statements ending a section of speech. I am not certain whether rules are different in Canada compared to Australia but your third paragraph might read…
"I found this treasure map laying on the road. I want you to help me find the treasure," said Stephanie.
Do you notice where I substituted a comma? It is used at the end of a statement in speech immediately before the end quotation marks otherwise it might suggest “Said Stephanie” was a separate sentence.
You are obviously developing good writing skills and know how a twist at the end of a story can capture the final interest of readers so I hope you can continue entering the 100WC.
Ross Mannell (Team 100WC)
Teacher (retired), N.S.W., Australia
P.S. I hope the girls in your story weren’t tempted to taste the mouldy cheese.
Thank you for your helpful feedback, and thank you for all the compliments.
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteSomething I thought was really well done in your 100WC was the use of speech- you used punctuation appropriately and it added to the flow of your story.
Your tone of voice and writing style was very well done and was at a fast pace- I was very excited to find out what was in the treasure box!
Very well written, just be careful of typos with punctuation and spelling.
Emily, Team100WC, Sheffield, UK