100WC WEEK#8 By:RainbowSunshine
The News
"Likely, I never felt so sick before." I thought, driving to the doctor's office.
Suddenly, the gas ran out. When I filled it, I continued to drive. After I arrived at the office, the doctor did my check-up. When results came, he had bad news.
"You have cancer," he stammered.
I was speechless.
"sorry." he whispered.
Next morning I went to dance class, I'm such an amazing dancer. Later, when class was finished, I remembered that I had swimming class! I drove rushing through traffic, then I saw a truck coming my way. That was the last thing I ever saw.
I got lost half way through you should pace it more you go to dance class but you're late for swimming wouldn't you have a correct scedual
ReplyDeleteshe took two classes one is dance the other is swimming. When she was having lunch, she remembered that she's late for swimming class. Sometimes people mess up their class times.
ReplyDeleteYour story is really good! To make it better you want to make the entire story about you having cancer or the car accident. Also, at the beginning I think you should put, luckily, and use likely in some other way. Great story!
ReplyDeleteBe sure to use the feedback given to you by your peers as there are some other good suggestions to help improve your writing. It is also helpful to read your story out loud to a peer or an adult as you will pick up on sentences that need some revision. Spend the time editing and revising. This week your story has some random ideas that break up the fluency of your story. I am not sure how the apple juice is important.
ReplyDelete